Let's hear them folks! | High Sierra Topix  

Let's hear them folks!

Grab your bear can or camp chair, kick your feet up and chew the fat about anything Sierra Nevada related that doesn't quite fit in any of the other forums. Within reason, (and the HST rules and guidelines) this is also an anything goes forum. Tell stories, discuss wilderness issues, music, or whatever else the High Sierra stirs up in your mind.
User avatar

Let's hear them folks!

Postby maverick » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:31 am

That is your campfire jokes.
Nothing besides a good story, maybe some alcohol, and some good jokes liven up a
group of backpackers after a hard day in the woods.

An atheist is hiking in the woods admiring the beauty of the forest, the sounds of
the birds and the power of the river, and the ever so light cool breeze that makes
the temp just right.
When all of a sudden there is some loud scrambling in the bushes 100 feet ahead
of him a huge bear jumps out onto the trail and starts charging towards him, the
atheist scared and inexperienced turns and runs.
He looks over his shoulder and sees the bear gain on him even though he tries to
run as hard as he can.
He looks over his shoulder again and suddenly his foot catches on the root of a
tree and he falls to the ground with the bear right behind him.
The bear lifts its paws with its sharp claws protracted and the atheist scared
suddenly says " dear God help me".
At that very moment the bear freezes, as do the birds, and the sound of the river
and breeze is no more.
Some clouds part in the sky and some beautiful beams of light shine down on
the atheist.
A voice says " all these years you have spoken and taught against my existence and
now you want me to look upon you as a faithful christian", the atheist who has all
ways considered himself intelligent quickly replies " your are right, it would be
hypocritical of me to ask you to make me a christian at this moment, but you could
make the bear a christian", the voice answers " so be it".
The light disappears and the sounds of the forest come back again.
The bear retracts its claws and lowers its paws and kneels down in front of the
atheist and starts to pray " dear Lord bless thy food I am about to eat through
Jesus Christ I pray to you amen".

The chicken and the egg just finished having sex, and the egg lights a cigarette and rolls
over towards the chicken and says "well that finally answers that age old question".



User avatar
maverick
Forums Moderator
Forums Moderator
 
Posts: 8050
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:54 pm
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby Ozark Flip » Wed Apr 08, 2009 12:01 pm

Okay, a man is all alone in the forest.....is he still wrong???

I woke up the other morning, rolled out of bed and got dressed. I went downstairs and made some coffee and a lunch. I then went and gathered up my fishing gear and threw it into my boat. As I hooked up the boat the rain was pounding and the wind gusts were incredibly strong. So, I decided not to go fishing, unhooked the boat, went back upstairs, got undressed and crawled back into bed. I snuggled up to the back of my wife and whispered into her ear, "The weather is really horrible this morning". She responded, "I know, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that nasty stuff!"
User avatar
Ozark Flip
Topix Regular
 
Posts: 373
Joined: Wed May 10, 2006 12:31 pm
Location: Escalon & Cottonwood California
Experience: N/A

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby maverick » Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:06 pm

Man it is slow around here, thanks Ozark for the contribution.
Come on people I know you have a few stand by jokes you've used in
the past few years.

A little boy sees his father and aunt Mary driving into the forest and follows
them.
He watches them for a while and runs home to his mother and says " mommy
mommy I saw daddy and aunt mary drive into the forest and I followed them.
They began to hug and kiss, then daddy pulled off aunt Mary's shirt, then her
blouse, and started to fondle aunt Mary.
Then aunt Mary pulled off daddy's pants and they started too" at which point
the mother interrupted her son telling him to save the story for the dinner table
tonight when daddy would be there to enjoy the story to.
So dinner rolls around and everyone is sitting at the table and the mother say's
"our son saw something he would like to share with us", so the child who could
hardly contain himself starts into his story.
"Daddy I saw you and aunt Mary drive into the forest, and I followed you.
I saw you and aunt Mary kissing and hugging then you took off her shirt, and
then her blouse, and you started to fondle her.
Then aunt Mary took off your pants Daddy, and you all started to do what
mommy and uncle Jack where doing for 2 years while daddy was gone in the service".
User avatar
maverick
Forums Moderator
Forums Moderator
 
Posts: 8050
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:54 pm
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby Allyn » Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:19 pm

Did you hear about the guy who cut off his horses tail? Had to sell it wholesale becasue he couldn't retail it!!! :D
User avatar
Allyn
Topix Acquainted
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:49 am
Location: Las Vegas
Experience: N/A

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby Allyn » Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:27 pm

A man is out riding his horse in the old days and on his way into town he comes across a rattlesnake. He pulls out his six shooter and takes aim when he hears "Please don't shoot me I am a magic rattlesnake. I will grant you three wishes if you spare me!"

The man asks for a sack of gold, a good meal and to be hung like his horse. The rattlesnake grants him his three wishes and they both part ways. After a few miles riding into town he wonders why he let the snake go. He had never heard of a magic rattlesnake before. So he rides into town and checks into the hotel where he goes to sleep for the night.

The next morning the man wakes up and smells fresh eggs, bacon, hash browns, coffee and the rest. At the foot of his bed he sees three large sacks with gold spilling out. In his excitement, he remembers his third wish and pulls down the covers to his bed and shouted "Oh my god, I forgot I was riding Ol' Nell!!"
User avatar
Allyn
Topix Acquainted
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:49 am
Location: Las Vegas
Experience: N/A

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby markskor » Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:15 pm

An old prospector finally hits it rich, and him and his old dog Spot head into town to celebrate. Entering a bar, the prospector asks the barkeep for two shots of the best Single Malt available. The barkeep says, “We don’t serve good whiskey to dogs here,” so Spot says, “Fine, make mine a beer.” Amazed that the dog can talk, the prospector explains that while searching for the mother lode the last 10 years, he taught the dog how to talk.

After the amazement dies down, the prospector asks if they sell real cigarettes here, as he was tired of rolling his own. The barkeep says no, but there is a store right across the road where they do sell all kinds. Spot says, “Just tuck a $20 in my collar, and I will go get them for you.” The prospector agrees but says to Spot, “Watch out for cars when crossing the road.”

No sooner than Spot leaves with the $20, comes the sound of tires screeching and horns honking…The old prospector, fearing the worst, goes outside to investigate. There, in the middle of the street, Spot is going at it with a little French Poodle.

The prospector yells out. “Spot, Spot, I have never seen this side of you.”

Spot says smiling, “I never had any money before.”
Mountainman who swims with trout
User avatar
markskor
Founding Member & Forums Administrator
Founding Member & Forums Administrator
 
Posts: 2048
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:41 pm
Location: Mammoth Lakes
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby markskor » Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:38 pm

A new salesman, on probation until he proves he can sell, is given 3 days to prove his worth. The first day, he comes back to the office, and his manager asks him how many toothbrushes he sold that day. “Only 10,” The rookie apologetically responds.
“Not so good,” his manager says…”Try harder tomorrow.”

The next day, same question…his response, “Only sold 15 today, but I have a plan for tomorrow that cannot miss.”

Third day…same question…the rookie blurts out proudly, “Today I sold 2,000 units.”

“How did you do it?” asks his manager – “That is a new 1-day record.”
“Well, I went down to the airport and set up a table. On the table I put a big bowl with a sign saying FREE Potato Chips. Next to it I put a bowl with a sign that said FREE Dip.

When the arriving passenger came by, they all tried both…first the free chips and then the free dip. Everyone had the same response…”This tastes like sh-t.”

I told them it was…want to buy a toothbrush?
Mountainman who swims with trout
User avatar
markskor
Founding Member & Forums Administrator
Founding Member & Forums Administrator
 
Posts: 2048
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:41 pm
Location: Mammoth Lakes
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby maverick » Wed Apr 08, 2009 4:14 pm

Like the potato & dip one Markskor.

A family is sitting at the dinner table.
The son asks his father "How many types of breasts are there"?
The father a little surprised answers "Well son a woman goes
through three phases. In her 20's, her breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her 30's and 40's, her breasts are like pears, a little sagging, but
well shaped. After her 50's, there like onions".
"Onions?" says the son.
"Yes, every time you look at them they make you want to cry".
The son laughs loudly.
The mother and daughter are quite angry, but immediately the daughter
asks the mother "How many types of willies are there?".
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a christmas tree".
"A christmas tree?" asks the daughter.
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration".
User avatar
maverick
Forums Moderator
Forums Moderator
 
Posts: 8050
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:54 pm
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby Allyn » Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:13 pm

A mushroom walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says I cant serve you because you are a mushroom. The mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi!"
User avatar
Allyn
Topix Acquainted
 
Posts: 86
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:49 am
Location: Las Vegas
Experience: N/A

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby maverick » Thu Mar 07, 2013 12:50 pm

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he
had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, '...I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't
wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went
back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe
you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
HST= Wilderness Adventurer who knows no bounds, except for their own imagination.

Have a safer backcountry experience by using the HST ReConn Form 2.0, named after Larry Conn, a HST member: http://reconn.org
User avatar
maverick
Forums Moderator
Forums Moderator
 
Posts: 8050
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:54 pm
Experience: Level 4 Explorer

User avatar

Re: Let's hear them folks!

Postby maverick » Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:44 pm

Five surgeons from big Cities are discussing who makes the best Patients to
operate on.

The first Surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see Accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no Guts, no
Heart, no Balls, no Brains, and no Spine. Plus, the Head and the Ass are
interchangeable."
HST= Wilderness Adventurer who knows no bounds, except for their own imagination.

Have a safer backcountry experience by using the HST ReConn Form 2.0, named after Larry Conn, a HST member: http://reconn.org
User avatar
maverick
Forums Moderator
Forums Moderator
 
Posts: 8050
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 5:54 pm
Experience: Level 4 Explorer


Return to The Campfire



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests