That Time Again

[whrdafamI?]

Your trips are amazing but you are depressing. Last year I saw 95 reasons for you to live. This year 140. After seeing all you have seen I can't help but wonder why you can't see it like I do? There are so many in this world who would give it all to be able to have just one of your reasons.

[RoguePhotonic]

Lol yeah I realize I am depressing but if I act like nothing is wrong I am just living a lie. Some people just ask questions they don't want to know the answer to.

The temporary high as you could put it of going to the Sierra just isn't enough. It does not have enough substance to carry you in all other aspects of life. Even if I could do this every single year until I die is that enough for me to say it's worth going on? No it isn't. The dynamics of my life and the reasons I no longer want to live are far outside the scope of this forum and frankly beyond the nature of most people. The best thing for anyone to know is that if I decide to find a grave in the Sierra and put a bullet in my head it wont be some irrational decision. It will be one I carefully calculated for more then 10 years and there wont be any tragedy in it. We shouldn't pretend we understand what it is to be alive and what it even means to live to be my age or older. We can't say if it really matters.

For now I am still calculating but I feel I am getting very close to a decision.

It's never my intention though to turn anything into a but like most people that take to the wild for months on end there is more behind the story then just a love of nature.

[lostcoyote]

hmmmm... well, something must matter, otherwise, what would be the point of posting here or signing the mt. goddard register? ever wonder just what happened to ranger morgenson? he may have done it right... probably read ishmael... the part about the lost soul who eventually just drowned himself. he wasn't really lost tho, perhaps he just did not fit into society and wanted nothing to do with it either.... but that's just an imagination of mine - truth is nobody will ever know cuz he did it right - left without a trace. it's really better to be a leaver than a taker - yet, no matter how hard some try to escape & become leavers in a sense, they can never totally eliminate being part taker in this world... even if it means signing a piece of paper atop mt. goddard. i've always wondered what is the point of these registers anyways? man's own sense of self importance? the need for recognition? well whatever the case, i've enjoyed your ramblings. hope ya decide to stick around tho. i like seeing your pictures of tulainyo et. al. but that is me being selfish. you do put that camera to great use, even tho it's materially linked to the world of the takers. we all leave out footprints. some big, some small.... and the best part is that in the end, we all end up in the same place even when all of us are on different paths - even the fawn you saved - what a beautiful event. if only healing ones suffering by pulling it out of a hole was easier than ending it by sending it into a grave - i wish it was as easy as a rainstorm washing it all away.

[cgundersen]

hey rogue,
From a purely selfish perspective, please stick around and keep the photos and accounts coming. I'm among the many folks on HST who spend time living vicariously in the Sierra via these reports, and it looks like you've got a bit of a fan club. Anyway, I'm particularly sad that things crashed for you in the Lyell Fork basin. It's a spectacular area (though I doubt you'd ever see a bear below Rodgers) and it's a shame you did not get to enjoy it. But, all in all, it sounds like you're doing well for the hit you took!
cg

[whrdafamI?]

hmmmm... well, something must matter, otherwise, what would be the point of posting here or signing the mt. goddard register? ever wonder just what happened to ranger morgenson? he may have done it right... probably read ishmael... the part about the lost soul who eventually just drowned himself. he wasn't really lost tho, perhaps he just did not fit into society and wanted nothing to do with it either.... but that's just an imagination of mine - truth is nobody will ever know cuz he did it right - left without a trace. it's really better to be a leaver than a taker - yet, no matter how hard some try to escape & become leavers in a sense, they can never totally eliminate being part taker in this world... even if it means signing a piece of paper atop mt. goddard. i've always wondered what is the point of these registers anyways? man's own sense of self importance? well whatever the case, i've enjoyed your ramblings. hope ya decide to stick around tho. i like seeing your pictures of tulainyo et. al. you do put that camera to great use, even tho it's materially linked to the world of the takers. we all leave out footprints. some big, some small.... and the best part is that in the end, we all end up in the same place even when all of us are on different paths.... even the baby deer you saved.... what a beautiful event.

Apparently you didn't read the "Last Season". If leaving without a trace was one of Ranger Morgenson intentions he failed miserably. They have found and identified his bones.

[whrdafamI?]

Lol yeah I realize I am depressing but if I act like nothing is wrong I am just living a lie. Some people just ask questions they don't want to know the answer to.

The temporary high as you could put it of going to the Sierra just isn't enough. It does not have enough substance to carry you in all other aspects of life. Even if I could do this every single year until I die is that enough for me to say it's worth going on? No it isn't. The dynamics of my life and the reasons I no longer want to live are far outside the scope of this forum and frankly beyond the nature of most people. The best thing for anyone to know is that if I decide to find a grave in the Sierra and put a bullet in my head it wont be some irrational decision. It will be one I carefully calculated for more then 10 years and there wont be any tragedy in it. We shouldn't pretend we understand what it is to be alive and what it even means to live to be my age or older. We can't say if it really matters.

For now I am still calculating but I feel I am getting very close to a decision.

It's never my intention though to turn anything into a but like most people that take to the wild for months on end there is more behind the story then just a love of nature.

I think you need to read my 2nd tag line a little closer.

[RoguePhotonic]

Lol the ramblings of philosophy is the ultimate chess game of life. It's true something matters and we ask what and why. Living in America though you have to ask yourself how much your willing to sacrifice in order to live here.

On mountain registers they are mostly a history book to me. I suppose they don't mean much on summits that are climbed constantly but can say allot about others that are not.

I'm sure bears make it up around the Lyell Fork. I see bear scat in the highest talus fields all the time. I used to think it was horse crap since it looked exactly like it and I always wondered how and why a horse was in some of these places but it's just the bears while they are living on grass.

The tail bone is doing pretty well. I can almost lay on my back again and I have very little pain from it anymore. The finger is going to take longer though. It's so stiff that I will have to work it back into shape once the flesh heals enough to move it around.

As for your tag Bill I think I do a pretty good job at both ends. I spend allot of time living in the Sierra and I spend allot of time dying in society. My hair is turning grey at a nice rate lol

[The hermit]

Rouge you have way too much knowledge and experience to not keep on sharing it with all us sierraphiles. Tonight I was in line buying a tasty beverage and I happened to start talking with some "kids" who had just done the jmt.I asked about hot springs and they raved about iva bell. You had me convinced already! Small world. Im headed there next week.Thanks.If you live close enough to big sur you should check out essalen hot springs. Ive often realized that places like that give life new meaning!

[The hermit]

Did I just coin the term "sierraphile"?

[RoguePhotonic]

The Deer that did not have a death in the family on this day: